Reconstructed Reflections: Going with God and Getting Through Grad School

Before you read 

Hello, first let me say a thing or five about this post. One, it is long sorry but hang with it, Two, read the footnotes they are there for a reason people. Three there are a lot of hyperlinks use them to help understand what is being referenced. Four this is sort of my attempt at postmodern writing so who knows if its any good but I was a blast to work on. Five I would love to hear your comments, spelling corrections, and thoughts in the comments below or on FB or Twitter.

[Adapted, expanded, and updated from an underwhelming attempt at blog writing circa April 10, 2015 while still in the trenches of Grad School.]¹

Aside

Yes, I write overindulgent self reflective nonsense from time to time and post it on my blog that has a pretentious name referencing a quote from my favorite president. Now that that is out in the open...

Introduction

Ten Months ago Ethan entered Grad School “little did he know”² the dire consequences this decision would have on his life in the coming months. In my application to grad school I wrote about how I wanted to teach kids the importance of history and its value as a subject to study. I wrote about how I came from a long line of teachers and would be carrying on the legacy into the third generation of public educators like my father and grandfather before me. Little did he know what it really meant to be a teacher. There was a chasm between my idea and reality of being a teacher.

I had snazzy black rimmed glasses teaching at a high school in the heart of north T-town. I taught engaging lessons full of rigor and authentic tasks. In the evenings and afternoons I would sip coffee and grade papers. In the evenings I would cook dinner, hangout with family and friends and attend concerts and cinema screenings at my favorite movie house. This idea was formed during my high school and undergrad years, not realizing that teaching is some of the most challenging and humbling work out there.

¹The original sections appear this color the revisions and expanded sections are the whitish. This format has been adopted to preserve, as much as possible, of the original tone and feelings that were present when this piece was originally written. The somewhat uneven style which switches from first to third person, stream of consciousness and snarky narration, interspersed with far too many footnotes can be attributed to the radically inconsistent styles my mind adopts while writing and thinking on a regular basis. In the months since writing this original piece my state of mind has radically improved.^a

a. Yes, I did get the idea to include all of the footnotes which you will see in this article from DFW’s use of footnotes in “IJ.” Also you have to manually etid the HTML to properly put in footnotes so I am going to use regular sized number for the rest of the post to save a tone of time. #lovefootnotes

²“I've written papers on little did he know.”  - Professor Jules Hilbert

The Process of Being Humbled

My woefully inaccurate and idyllic imaginative rendering of myself as a teacher stemmed from the high opinion I had of myself and my abilities. Well known to many, humility has never been my strong suit. Coming from a stable highly educated middle class family, and blessed with a moderate level of intelligence, I have historically tended to hold my God given memory and borderline actual obsession with facts and details over the people around me. I was a tornado of condescension, elitism, pedanticism, believing myself to be a part of the intelligentsia of this modern age and that others were often not worth my time or effort to converse with. Then I moved to another state, went to college, learned that I knew next to, if not actually, nothing, and met Sabrina who changed my life. Alas, even after these wonderful changes and growing experiences I was still an obstinate know-it-all who had yet to  go through the ringer and understand what a moderately hard time entailed.

The Dangers of Head on Collisions

Enter grad school, the one year MAE Cert and masters program that has become my biggest challenge and opportunity for grown in my life thus far. Pride goeth before the fall and after making it through a few finals and graduting with my undergrad I was cocksure and ready to take grad school head on³ Of course there is an inherent risk of taking things head on. While it sounds good, the reality is taking things head on dramatically increases the risk of incurring a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) such as a concussion, fractured skull, brain swelling and possible hemorrhage. The symptoms of a concussion include headache, sleep disruption, confusion, and mood alterations. These symptoms are strikingly similar to what I experienced in while in grad school. Each season following my head on collision with grad school brought forth a new set of challenges and emotions.

Summary of the Seasons⁴

Summer: immense struggle, minor depression followed by a glorious revival of spirits.Fall: hopeful ambition descend into moderate depression.Winter: more tears then I have cried in my lifetime I have learned a thing or two.Spring: try to ignore the pain, lack of hope and feeling of imminent defeat hovering over me.

³An interesting anecdote which related to taking things head on is that when I was a kid my grandparents always said I had a hard head  (in the literal sense...although, the figurative sense was probably equally applicable) and called my head  a “bowlingball head.”

⁴A cool song about seasons I first hear in this amazing film clip  48 seconds in. The song is The Fairest Of The Seasons. For more season inspired music, check out Jon Foreman’s 4 EP collection Fall, Winter, Spring, and summer for some more great season inspired music. It is some of my favorite music.

There is a Season turn turn turn

Somewhere in the midst of all the depression, anger, loneliness, and a multitude of mental breakdowns, I cried out to God in despair, something to the effect of “save me from these feelings of doubt and despair which plague me day and night, lift their daily burden which plagues me.” I reached this state time and time again and God answered my prayers giving me the strength I needed to overcome each new set of crises one hour, day, week, and eventually grad program at a time. I started this journey, not back to God per say (because I never really went away strictly speaking) but rather, actively towards him by reading Ecclesiastes. Ecclesiastes might seem like a strange place to start, “vanity of vanities! Everything is vanity”⁵ is not the most encouraging words for someone who is feeling down. But for someone who had never faced any real difficulties for any extended period of time it was right where I belonged. Reacquainting myself with the temporary nature of this current state of existence bolstered my spirits. I also begin to understand how life is full of different seasons and began to Ecclesiastes 3.6 Which is all about the proper time for things, a time to be born and die and plant and uproot and build and tear down and dance and morn and throw rocks and pick them up, and all sorts of things.7 Then I came to the end of the chapter and grandfather Solomon says listen up enjoy your work for it’s all you really have and who knows what will happen after you die anyway.8 That was the encouragement I needed to get through that day and many of the days to follow.

Reading His Word and Letting His Words Read Me

A few weeks later I was feeling as down as ever. Once again I was besieged by doubt and inadequacy. I could not shake this feeling that I was lacking in my faith and trust in God so I sat down, cried out to God, shut my mouth and read some scripture. I turned to Ecclesiastes again but it was not the right text for that day so I flipped over to Lamentations to really let out all my frustration at God. My discontent and unhappiness that came from within was not justified or rational in anyway but before I could move on I needed to vent out my frustrations and anger. I knew that my situation was not God's fault and I did not blame him but I did question why I could not shake the negative thoughts and feelings I had been dealing with for so long. As I read the lamentations of Jeremiah over the destruction of Jerusalem by the Babylonians, I let out my frustrations surrounding my feelings of helplessness and inadequacy.

My next stop was the Psalms. I drove furiously through 60 or so chapters  taking comfort in some and reading others out loud as prayers of discontent and confession of transgressions. As I read the words of the Psalmists as they communed with God I shared in the frustrations and exaltations I felt as if their words were my words.9 The message I received during my journey through the Psalms was to present my thanksgiving as a sacrifice to God. I think that is from Psalm 50:23 but when I went back and read it I think I did not read it correctly the first time so maybe I miss read it but it was comforting none the less. Ill work on better exegesis next time. Point is, that was the message I needed to hear at that time because I knew that in the midst of my unhappiness and discontent I still had many things to be thankful for. And yet, I was still devoid of joy and not content with my life at all so I kept reading and turned to Philippians.

In chapter four Paul (the writer of Philippians) writes to citizenry of Philipy to focus their thinking on all that is pure and holy and the peace of God will be with you.10 He also wrote about how he learned to have joy and was content in any and every situation whether he had enough to eat or not that it did not matter because he could do all things through Christ who gives him strength. Paul does not say this from a position of personal strength that he can do anything because God is with him but rather from a position of weakness in prison knowing that he can endure any challenge he is given because God is with him. That was the end of my scripture reading for that day but meditating on those scriptures got me that day and the rest of that week.

⁵ Ecclesiastes 3:1 NRIV

⁶ The Byrds also well understood the importance of recognizing the changing seasons of life.a

1. How many rock songs get their lyrics from ancient near east texts I wonder. Turn! Turn! Turn!

⁷ Ecclesiastes 3

⁸ I took “grandfather Solomon” from Matt Chandler who has a most excellent sermon series on the book of Ecclesiastes and a two part sermon called Coffee with Granddaddy where he frames Ecclesiastes as a long conversation with grandfather Solomon.

⁹ Some of my favorite Psalms from the first 60 chapters or so are Psalms 1,13,19,22-23,30-32,34,40,50-51 some are happy others are sad those were the ones which stood out to me most from that day's reading.

¹⁰ Some of my favorite Psalms from the first 60 chapters or so are Psalms 1,13,19,22-23,30-32,34,40,50-51 some are happy others are sad those were the ones which stood out to me most from that day's reading.

Reaching the Beginning of the End

The end of that week brought the beginning of spring break which I had been looking forward to and counting on to bring the rest and relaxation that I needed. I took a few days off from school work and chilled. Then I had to return to my school work which I had been putting off. I returned from My weekend trip to Astoria and attempted to resume my work. Attempted I did, succeed I did not.  Wednesday night I went to work feeling once again like a total failure. So I let my mind drift and escape into the rhythm of bussing tables. As my mind relaxed my thinking became clearer and I began to reflect on how my attitude was hampering ability to complete meaningful work. I was nearing the end of my break and each day brought the deadline for my last big project of grad school closer. I had plenty of time but there was no point in putting things off any longer. As I stacked dishes and ordered cups into my bustub I thought back to memories of my former self before grad school. The fun loving yet serious and good natured self that I felt like I had lost somewhere along the way. I wondered where that former self gone and how had it disappeared? I now believe the answer lay in words.

The Importance of Playing Good Tapes

Words of encouragement are powerful. James talks about the power of the tongue to bring life or death to a man. Lately I have been thinking about James’ words and think that they apply not only to the words we say to and hear from others but also the words we say to ourselves. For much of that winter the words I spoke to myself  to myself alternated between “you're a failure” and “you can't do this any more” to “you can do it” and “hang in there.” My dad always told me and my sister, you have to stop playing negative tapes in your head. My fiance would call this idea the importance of positive self talk.¹¹ James, my dad, and Sabrina all know the same thing, what you tell yourself about who you are is important and has the power to make or break you. Those negative tapes playing in my head came from a lack of faith not only in myself but ultimately in God and his power to work through me and give me the strength that I needed to continue on. God gave me the strenght by surrounding me with people who cared for me and encouraged me even when I was a grouch and an unpleasant person to interact with. As I willed myself through each day God began to show me all the people around me who cared about me and were trying to help me. I came to appreciate the words of encouragement from people around me. can think on a particular event which demonstrates the power their encouragement had on me when one day passing a friend on the road and seeing her bright shining smile and brief wave was enough to turn my day around. Despite her own circumstances (which were far more difficult than mine) she extended had the ability to smile and wave. Her show of kindness from her position of difficulty reminded me of of Paul and his declaration to take joy his suffering for Christ and his faith to overcome obstacles with with the strength Christ had granted him.

Realistic Recovery and the Rediscovery of a Renovated Self

That day was not a momentous turning point on the road to recovery. It was merely a step in the right directions. Many ups and downs were to follow. However, the lessons of trusting in God, relying on the teachings of the scriptures, accepting encouragement from others, and playing positive tapes/self talk gave me the tools I needed to begin emerging from my depression and find my old self once again. What I came to find out was that “old self” which had disappeared sometime near the beginning of grad school was nowhere to be found but it had been replaced by a more weatherbeaten, gentler and humbler figure who had just begun a new stage of his journey to “seek first the Kingdom” and follow the example of the King one day at a time, “walking slowly but never backward.”

¹¹ Sabrina  (no relation... as of yet) Miller the most amazing and arguably most influential person in my life as well as the best thing that has ever happened to me.